Made in Chelsea

Made in Chelsea is literally the only thing that I watch on television, even though I lose a little respect for myself and humanity whenever I tune in. I'm not quite sure why I do. It's probably for the same reason that I eat fried chicken at the end of every night out despite knowing that it will make me put on weight, or why I still buy trashy novels by Louise Bagshawe purely because I know there'll be plenty of sex scenes in them - stupidity. 

You see, even though I can think of a million and one reasons not to like this show, I still do, just as I liked Take Me Out and Dinner Date, and so I've decided to try and review it critically and actually be honest about how terrible it is whilst trying to forget the fact that I have a mini panic if I miss an episode. 

Made in Chelsea is about stinking rich people in their early twenties who were, as the name of the show suggests, made in Chelsea. You know the type. They all carry handbags that cost more than my month's rent, they all simply adore going to polo matches and of course all own ponies or pedigree dogs. And guess what? They're all fucking shallow, pretentious people who you would instantly dislike upon meeting if you happen to possess a working brain. 

The girls (with the exception of Caggie, who actually seems okay and reasonably three-dimensional) all fit the stereotype of what it is to be a female completely. None of them eat, they all spend at least six hours a day shopping and having spa treatments and all any of them talk about is boys, boys and, oh yeah, BOYS. They don't seem to have opinions about anything other than who's shagging who in their circle of friends and as far as careers go, the only two that actually seem to do something with their lives other than go to masquerade balls and have their nails done are involved in, shock horror, make-up and jewellery design. 

The boys are even worse in that they all think they're big players in business when they're just little boys playing with Daddy's money. One of them whose name I can't even remember was devastated when he wanted someone to invest in a company that consisted solely of girls wearing little clothing selling lollipops in a sweet shop and he was laughed out the door, and another, Francis, seems to spend all his time prancing around saying ridiculous things and expecting people his own age to kiss his toes as he drones on about capitalism being good for the soul whilst probably not even knowing what the word means. 

So money doesn't make you an interesting individual by proxy then. 

Even worse than this are the attitudes that everybody on the show has to relationships. The girls all seem to want to find love and settle down while the boys pretend to the girls that this is what they want while really shagging anything with a pulse and dating numerous girls at once, professing undying love for any girl that so much as looks at them. But whey, this is what everyone's like, right? Fall in love after a day and it doesn't matter that you don't even get along because when one of you inevitably cheats and the relationship ends, you'll both be in love with someone else within a week. Please, I don't usually like making jokes about wanting to slit my own wrists but stuff like this makes it impossible not to want to. Are all humans like this? Is it just me that only likes one person at once and doesn't want to sleep with all my male friends purely because they're male? I really hope not. 

As for the actual structure of the show, I'm guessing that most of you know that it's basically The Only Way is Essex, but about rich people. If you're not familiar with either show, they're about real people and the lives that they lead, but put together in a way that it's like watching a soap. You know, so that it seems fictional, but you become more interested than you would in a soap because you know that the characters and their problems are real.

Surely, surely I can't be the only one to find this incredibly contrived. Oh, so the cameras just "happen" to be around when you find out your boyfriend cheated and throw a Martini in his face? They were just "there" when you meet a hot stranger in the park and ask him on a date? Come on.  As well as feeling wooden and staged the majority of the time, we also, as viewers, are left with the feeling that we're missing all the juicy bits which is really bloody annoying! For example, Millie tells us that Hugo cheated on her with "one of her friends" but not which one! Everybody on the show knows so if it's so "real" and gritty then why pick and choose the bits that are aired? 

HOWEVER.

Despite all this, I do watch the show and I do enjoy it, and do you know why? Because I like the gossip. I like to have a break from thinking about my own friends and my own boyfriend and think about other people's once in a while. I like becoming engrossed in their dramas without having to be worried that any of it is going to affect me or any of the people I care about. I also like sitting here in my shitty student flat, munching on dry cereal even though I'm already at least two stone heavier than anyone on the show, and thinking mean things about everybody on it inside my head because it's the one time I can be a total bitch and it not matter. There, I said it. I am nosy and a bitch, I like to spy into people's lives and criticise them while knowing full well that I am probably no better than any of them. It's a guilty pleasure and one that I know full well isn't mine alone.

That, my friends, is the reason why shows such as this are so popular. We like to revel in other people's break-ups and bitch fights without having to worry that it will have an impact on our own lives. We are mean. Goodnight.